Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Wow...the 4w5 really _is_ like me. With quite a bit of 5w6. How very odd.

I told myself to go to sleep a half an hour ago, but I'm still awake.

Boys make me nervous. So do girls. I need to relax and flow with this as much as I need him to, don't I? Damnit all...I'm going to give myself weird dreams about this. I need to really stop thinking about it.
Conscious self
Overall self
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I'm very sleepy.

Classes went well tonight. Very well. The Level 3s were adorable. I'm so upset about Joshua's regular school, though - his teachers obviously have no faith in him, but he's such a bright boy! And trying very hard, despite being a little behind with his reading skills. I'm going to really enjoy working with him.

Chris had his schedule changed so he's working in the morning. I would have liked to see him tonight, but it's been nice to get some online work done. Besides, I get out of class by 6 tomorrow and it will be better to do something earlier. So it can go later, of course ;)

The weekend is shaping up to be quite good. Off to the mountains with the brother and friends, then (hopefully) fun times with the boy on Sunday.

Now, I should sleep so that I can be productive before class tomorrow.

I so do not want to teach right now.

Must improve my mood.
It's so odd, the little dance you do when you start really liking someone. The dance of not moving too fast, but still moving just fast enough.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing with this boy, save for this: I want to lie next to him very quietly. And I want to touch his hands.

That's a stupid fucking thing to say. I know.

I'm going to be upset if we can't keep this thing rolling. He's just so sweet and fun to be with and the sex is yummy too. I keep getting nervous about it, waiting for him to put up another road-block. Like I don't have issues...like anyone doesn't...and they've come trickling out a bit. But I'm trying.

R fucked me over so badly last year that I still have moments with Chris where I think that the sex is all I'm good for and that maybe he thinks that too and he refuses to take the one good thing that I have to offer. Damn, that doesn't even make sense, does it? Sex is just so fucking easy. All of it just easy fucking.

Except.

I don't know.

Maybe he's right to keep this from being physical. But I _*want* him. And I'm always so petulant when I don't get what I want.

I have to go teach two classes now. I'm afraid all I'm going to be thinking about is seeing him after class and wondering if I'm going to get to touch him tonight. Or if we're going to have another fucking talk.