Saturday, May 10, 2003

Rehtoric question: why is it necessary to look up lame-ass shit on the internet?

I mean, I know I've been using my brain since 8:00 this morning for teaching, but does that really now require that I lounge around in my bathrobe and look at the official American Idol website? Does it _really_?

The answer of course is yes.

Ruuuuuuben's from B-ham and I have to support the Alabama crew.

*cue jangly music here* "Where the skies are so blue...." Wow, I can't believe I'm going to spend the majority of five weeks in Alabama. Maybe I'll get my twang back.

And maybe the sky will start shitting bricks.
So, I'm being sent home for five weeks. For teaching. I bet I'm going to be teaching at my old high school. It's going to be so weird! But good as well. I'm considering this my 'focus on saving money and getting writing done' retreat. And I'll definitely eat well while I'm there. Mom's cookin' - yummy!

Still, there will be the suck factor of being home. And I get mopey when I miss my peeps, as Jason would say. But I'll be coming home two days each week for mad running around.

Teaching went very well today. My boss is coming to see me next Saturday. Well, actually, two of my bosses are coming... my boss and _her_ boss. Skeeeeery! I'm already nervous.

Wisdom for the day: always sit and talk on park benches at night. It does a body good.

Friday, May 09, 2003

I hate being destitute. It fucking sucks.

I'm still so in the hole from the last few months that I'm only coming out to $85 ahead for the next two weeks. Factor in two tanks of gas at least...and I gots a grand total of $50 fucking dollars. Woo fucking hoo.

But the end of this month is going to be even better. I'm going to have to get my car insurance and renter's insurance _and_ AAA bills from my parents. But at least if I do that I can get my credit card under limit and won't be paying $40 extra bucks a month on it.

And I guess I'm going to have to stop using my cell phone. My bills keep getting too high. I can't afford it.

On a better note, went out with my ex B last night. First boyfriend and all that from way back when I was a sweet, innocent 18-year old. Ha! B is great and much fun and has loads of money. So he bought me four sapphire and tonics.

Am I bad for doing this? I do care for him, of course, but I feel kind of sleazy always having to ask him to pay. le sigh

Maybe I'll get some money for my birthday. That would be a huge help.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Prefuse-73 was absolutely fucking amazing.


Just wow.

I'm still happy about it.

Now to find something to do tonight...

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Tickets have not yet been acquired, but hope springs eternal.

I called the Echo Lounge and the lady said that they'd only sold like a hundred and they would definitely have tickets when the doors open. So, I'm just going to run down and grab the ticket at 9:00, then bum around a bit before I go in. I'll sit and read or something at the coffee shop.

On a completely unrelated note: I have the cutest mice. They like to snuggle and groom each other. It's absolutely fucking adorable.

And another unrelated note: I love beer.
And the quest for Prefuse-73 tickets continues.

Attempts so far:

- 1 ticket needed for $10. $12 at the door.
- One unsuccessful ticket giveaway at 88.5. Waiting for #2.
- Two CDs successfully sold to Criminal for $6.
- 7 CDs unsuccessfully sold to Criminal for $0.
- One check being dropped off by roommate tonight for $50.

The resultant question being - will the mad dash home from teaching to cash the check at a liquor store result in a scored ticket or will they be sold out? Or will Alicia get really lucky and actually win a ticket?

Tune in later tonight to either hear me sob or shout exultantly.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

Oh, he knows how it is...Dylan always does. How funny it all is. I was so chipper earlier. And it's not that I'm depressed now. I'm just sedate. I went to dinner with Martha and caught X2 again. For free, of course. Gotta love residual movie theatre benefits.

Okay, perhaps sedate isn't the right word.

There is a definite sadness around the edges.

It's just that time of year. I will be 24 in exactly one week. And I'm lonely. Oh, I am lonely. Not for anyone at all really. Or anything. Just this continual hole I keep patching up in myself. Just this wound from exactly a year ago.

It's been over six months since I saw him. How do people do it? Just patch up the hole and keep going? I'm very brave about the thought of seeing him. But if it's ever to happen at all, I don't know what I'll do.

Cry? Scream? Hit? Curse? What would be the point of any of it? I suppose I just want to ask, "Why, baby? Why did you have to cut me open like this?"

These days, I look in the mirror and I like what I see most times. I honestly do. It's just all this sadness. I don't want to be alone this next week and a half. I won't be able to stand it if I have to be alone. Especially on my birthday. Oh, it was already all done by then, wasn't it R? At least for you. How I can love and hate someone so splendidly as I do you, I haven't the faintest clue.

I am far too maudlin to be sober.

I just...damn. No, I can't be alone on my birthday. I'm trying so hard to be all together and I do real good except at night. Really, I just hoped there'd be someone around who I could be sweet with this time of year. But expectations don't always turn out the way one hoped. And not even a friendship can be forced.

I think C has given me his insomnia.

I wish I had a whole vat of wine I could cry into.
And second order of business, which I'd like to call: Hot for teacher.

It's inevitable in a high school class. One of the boys is going to start oggling you at some point. So, last night, in the throes of hangover recovery, I got all hot in class (not hot and bothered, sickos) - there wasn't much air. So I took off my sweater which I never really do. It shows my tattoos when I do that. But I was hot so I took it off and just had my t-shirt on underneath it. Jarrod and Ryan already stare at me, but this time it was extremely obvious. I'm so cruel too. I just wanted to be all: Yes, I know my breasts are cute and perky, but your sixteen year-old hands ain't getting anywhere near them. So there.

Obviously, I was fiesty last night too.

I survived both classes yesterday, amazingly well considering the condition of my brain. And there was a great moment in the highschool class were Megen found this amazingly intricate point in the book. She's really getting into the class and I _love_ it. She's my darling who reads Chuck Palahniuk and wears Sketchers. She could be me some day!

Another moment of amusement this morning when I went into the office. My boss is training a huge new batch of teachers. And just like yesterday, I loped in all jeans and little tank-top. I feel like wearing a sign. It would read: Hi. I am your veteran teacher role-model. If you study real hard and try your best, you can be just like me. Over-sexed, tattooed, crass, lewd, binge-drinking and (gasp) bisexual.

I'm such a great example, aren't I?

Fiesty. Fiesty. Fiesty.

On a side note: I hate when signals get crossed. Just thought you should know.

Maybe I can snag Chris on the phone tonight. Would be nice to catch up. I got some kick-ass comics on Free Comic Book Day that I know he'll like.

And maybe if I get really lucky, I can win tickets to Prefuse-73 from 88.5. *crosses fingers, listens for the cue to call*
First in the line-up for today: Comic fan-boy fantasy #223. I'm gonna bottle and sell this, I swear...

Two girls on the phone, lounging around in lingerie, having this discussion - "I didn't like him in the first movie because it was all Sabertooth. There was _no_ Victor Creed at all."

Which is exactly what happened with Martha and I last night. I should really make an amature porno with that as the theme, though I doubt I'd be too big on the sex part. I just know it would sell billions though. If you film it, they will cum.

God, I'm fiesty today.

It's because of the sex dreams. I swear it is. I'm having one of my "I'm a poet and everything/everyone is beautiful" days. Not that that has to do with the sex dreams... I'm getting ahead of myself again. I think I'm just horny today. Which I can say safely since there are only three people in the entire world who peek at this thing at all.

So I dreamed about this boy asking me to have sex. He was a slim, hipster boy. Tight t-shirt. Cute glasses. Shaggy blonde hair. Little earrings in each ear. Goddamn... He was this weird amalgam of this kid I met at The Trackside on Drunken Night (Sunday). Cute boy with cool tattoos. And this kid Carter who I hooked up with in Ohio way back in January. And you-know-who for the glasses. I'm so fiesty today I'll admit to anything.

Anyways, this kid in my dream asked me to have sex. And, since I'm never one to resist such temptation...I accepted. The dream was real weird though. It was mainly just leading-up stuff. Like, I clearly dreamed taking my pill and looking for a condom in my purse. Go me being safe! And my friend Cameron was there laying on the floor. And so was Jason. But he was in the bed and we had to kick him out which is just fucked up on all counts. I'm not going to analyze that.

Speaking of Jason, I saw his exact clone on Memorial this morning. It was weeeeeeird.

Blabbering, fiesty horny girl. That's me today, obviously. I will survive though. I always do.

Monday, May 05, 2003

And, now, words of wisdom for the day from Mr. Bobby D. Otherwise known as Bob Dylan to those who aren't a close, personal friend:

Never could learn to drink that blood
And call it wine,
Never could learn to hold you, love,
And call you mine.

Don't know what the last part has to do with anything, but the first part is dead on today. Or, more accurately, I'm dead on. Or brain dead. Or something.

Last night, I decided it was an excellent idea to have the "Alicia-gets-drunk-all-by-herself" party. Oh, I was hanging out with friends. It wasn't quite so terrible as me reverting back to alcoholism. But still, my friends were only imbibing in tiny doses compared to my consumption. And what was this consumption, you may ask? Only about 8 glasses of cheap wine. Or 9. Or more. I don't remember. It was cheap red, then we switched to pink. Blargh.

Although, coming back to Dylan, I suppose my night had a bit to do with the love subject as well. I hung out with my friend Christopher last night. Whom I call Chris, but to go ahead and clear up confusion from _that_, I'll continue to dub him Christopher. It was wonderful. He and I have one of those odd yet beautiful love affairs that never really was a love affair at all. Not in the true sense of love affair. But he's such a beautiful man. We have such an amazing relationship.

It's just been a very, very long time since we could talk and last night reminded me how much I enjoy being near him. I'm such a sappy drip, aren't I? But that's okay... he lets me love him how I need to love him and he returns the favor. And he inspires me to write amazing poems.

Anyway, I'm starting to blather. I saw X2 yesterday as well. It fucking blew me away. Kurt Wagner! le sigh

And Logan looked good enough to eat. Rarrr.

Now must take my hungover-ass to go teach. It's gonna hurt, kiddies. Mainly for Ms. Alicia.

Hopefully Insomnia-Boy has been cured of his sleep deprivation. But that is a story for another time.